The Downs (Part 1)

When Joy Joy was 13 weeks old, Mummy and Daddy were advised to go for the 1st trimester fetal screening to detect any abnormalities. When Mummy first heard about it she felt nothing.. very confident that Joy Joy would be well, healthy and normal.

Since there was no immediate urgency to do the test right away, and we were to make an appointment to do it at a screening centre on another day anyway so the gynae advised Mummy and Daddy not to make a decision so hastily and think about it before deciding whether or not to go for it.

You see Daddy has a sister who can't speak or hear.
Whilst it all very easy, and true as well, to say that we will love you anyway, normal or abnormal, we are well aware of all that you will have to shoulder thoughout the course of your lifetime, if you should be genetically challenged.

Mummy and Daddy thought long and hard about it.
 What will we do if the fetal is abnormal?
Will we abort?

There were many what ifs.

What if Daddy and/or Mummy pass away at an early age? What if any genetic defects causes you to have to suffer other sicknesses? What if you can't withstand the challenge of being a child that is different from others in school? What if.. what if what if...

But what if, given a choice, you would still want to be given the chance to live anyway?

In the end our conclusion was still a unanimous Yes, we will abort if the risk assessments turns out to be high. But not because we didn't love you.

Daddy's colleague even jokingly commented that Singaporeans only want to retain the best. Even when it comes to babies. It hurt mummy a little when she heard about it, although mummy knows that no offense was intended.

I suppose, I feel guilty now, otherwise I wouldn't be explaining.
Now that I am so advanced in pregnancy, I could have chosen to write something else. Something nice. But I've chosen to write the truth and I believe that Joy Joy will understand it one day, when I show this to her. Even if she doesn't, I'd understand and be patient.

To put it bluntly, Mummy and Daddy made a decision on whether to keep you or not, based on our perception and judgement that if we should bring you to this world, pain of suffering you would experience, would greatly surpass the joy of living. And that was it.

And so, our minds were made up. And so we went for the screening....

On the day Mummy went for the screening, Daddy was away in Jakarta for business.
Mummy went alone and Mummy wished that Daddy was there too... not just for company but also because during the scan, Mummy saw what we never saw from earlier scans..

My little girl stretching out her hands as if she was yawning..
My little girl's hands, fingers, feet, toes, spine..
My little girl turning and moving alot..
And a blur baby's face..

Everything was so well formed that Mummy never expected anything unusual to come out of the screening results... Although the nice lady Sonographer, who was chatting happily with Mummy on how active Joy Joy was became quiet towards the end. Mummy brushed it off.

A few days later, on a Saturday, Mummy and Daddy were watching a movie on DVD when Mummy received a call from the gynae's office.

Gynae's Receptionist: "Can you make it to see the doctor next Monday? She needs to see you urgently".
Mummy: "What is it about?"
Gynae's Receptionist: "The first trimester screening results are out and we have detected some abnormalities, your baby's neck fluid is very thick, we need to speak to you and your husband urgently."

Mummy's first reaction was denial.

Mummy: "I'm really not free next week and I can't take leave at all. Can it wait?"
Gynae's Receptionist: "There is nothing more important than your baby, you check and see if you can take urgent leave? Give us a call back on Monday again."
Mummy: "I told you i'm not free....... If i can make it, I'll call again.. Bye.."

And Mummy put down the phone.

Daddy: "Who is it? What happened?"
Mummy: "The gynae called and said she wants to see us. Baby's neck fluid is very thick and abnormal."
Daddy: "Shit... "

Daddy tried to make Mummy call the gynae back but Mummy refused.
So Daddy called and made an appointment.

The test results:

The gynae said your risk assessment didn't look good because having a 3.1mm thick neck fluid was highly indicative of a Downs Syndrome baby. Mummy was so sad, I couldn't think of any questions to ask at first.. then I started bombarding the gynae with questions.

The gynae suggested an Amniocentesis, where a long.. long.. needle will be inserted into Mummy's womb, to extract ambiotic fluids for testing. The down side to this test is that there is a risk that Mummy could suffer a miscarriage...

Mummy was reluctant and Daddy almost fainted at the thought of the long long needle (Daddy has a fear of needle..), so the gynae suggested that before we do the Amnio test, we see another doctor, who can do an extremely specialised scan to see if Joy Joy has a nose bridge (absense is a sign of a downs baby), amongst other things. Based on the results of this specialised scanning, we can decide what to do next.

Mummy and Daddy agreed. Because of the decision we have both made on whether we will keep Joy Joy, should abnormalities be detected, we felt that it was our responsiblity to be as sure as we can, before making any drastic decisions. No matter how much it costs.

The Downs (Part II)

Mummy felt down. Very very down.
And then Mummy fell sick.
And then Mummy experienced bleeding.

Daddy made an emergency appointment and took Mummy to the gynae that day.

The gynae did a scan and told Mummy that her placenta was low lying.. and that Mummy was badly dehydrated.. and recommended that Mummy check-in to Mt Alvenia for bed rest and hydration that evening, for 3 days tentatively.

The first thing Mummy asked was if she could work from the hospital.
Daddy kept quiet and we just took the admission letter, paid and left.

Mummy was so down, she didn't know what to do.

A few days later, we went back to see the gynae. The receptionist pissed Mummy off by asking us why we didn't admit into the hospital. I begin to super hate the same phase she kept repeating.."Baby is most important.. there is nothing more important than Baby"

Do you think I don't feel this way?

I didn't bother talking to her much. And I was really in a foul and very defensive mood.
So much so that when the gynae brought up the subject of visiting the specialist doctor again I sulked at her and was begining to feel tears swelling up in my eyes.

Don't cry, Mummy told herself.

Daddy asked about the available appointment time slot and when the gynae mentioned 1pm on a weekday.. Mummy, for some reason, felt so furious, that she snapped at the gynae, tears already flowing out of her eyes.

"I need to work but since you insist, i can go and forgo my lunch".

The gynae was taken aback and daddy was taken aback.

Mummy was given a tissue to wipe her tears whilst Daddy took over and made the arrangements.
The gynae then went on to tell Mummy and Daddy stories of how other Mummys take news of the possibility of having a Down Syndrome baby. She talked tactfully but Mummy was still in a foul foul mood. I just wanted to get out of the clinic as soon as possible.

When we were in Daddy's toy car, Daddy begin to laugh at Mummy.
He said he couldn't believe his ears when he heard Mummy snap at the gynae..
Mummy didn't know whether to cry or to laugh... but Mummy laughed..
Funny thing is.. to cheer Mummy up, Daddy took Mummy bed shopping.. which cheered Mummy up and made Daddy very broke (another story for another day)...

And so we went for our appointment with the specialist doctor.
Mummy felt calm when she stepped into the Specialist Doctor's clinic. It was a Friday and Mummy thought "If the doctor give me bad news, at least I have the weekend to get over it", besides, Mummy was then capable of being cheered up by the strangest things.. like having baby magazines to read at the clinic....

It was one of the most relaxing scans Mummy went to so far..although it lasted a whole hour. I love the doctor's humor and felt safe in his hands. During the scan, we saw what Mummy saw before.. how well developed Joy Joy was..Close to the end of the scan, Mummy asked the Doctor if he could tell if Joy Joy was a girl or a boy.. the doctor said "85% a girl"

Daddy's reaction was hillarious for a good reason (another story for another day) and Mummy was incredibly happy.

We heaved a sign of relief when the doctor explained the scan results to us..

He then made a comment i remember to this day..

"Don't worry about those test results.. many people don't know but children who has Downs love you like no other child is capable of loving you. They will die for you even, they love you with all their hearts.. a normal child can't even do that"

It made me feel so much better.. there was suddenly a "click" in my head and my thinking switched.
I can't tell if we were motivated by the scan results, or the Doctor's comments or what..
All I remember was that I had a picture of myself with my baby and imagined that she was a Downs baby... I imagined the conversations we would have.. and the heartaches I would feel for her..
And I still really, really wanted to keep the baby.
Mummy told Daddy so too and Daddy agreed.

Mummy had various conversations with people who are already parents and from there, Mummy felt grateful to whoever is up there, for having Joy Joy. One colleague told Mummy how she felt about being a Mummy, she said "You know, its actually very very difficult to get a child.. so I'm glad, I have mine..". Another parent, who has a Downs child, told Mummy about all the difficulties he encountered as a parent of a child with special needs.. but he told Mummy he never loved another human that much before either.

Mummy also came to learn that sometimes, your gynae cause you the most worries. From Mummy's extensive research, there are actually many many many instances where a gynae's over conservative disgnosis caused mummys to be depressed or traumatised unnecessarily. Or maybe Mummy is in denial.

But Mummy thinks, that one needs to really understand and learn about your situation before you judge it to be good or bad. And to learn, you have to cast aside all the bad thoughts inside yourself , open up and look deep inside you.

Mummy and Daddy learn a valuable lesson from this..

To this day, there remains a nagging question and deep worry in Mummy's heart..
Mummy wish with all my heart that Joy Joy would be born healthy but Mummy is slowly preparing herself to face it if Joy Joy has special needs..because the test results are not conclusive.

To this day, we still feel something when we see a baby, child or person with special needs
Just a week or two ago, Daddy and Mummy were out separately with their friends when Daddy called Mummy..Daddy said he saw a young lady with a deformed arm and no nose bridge although he thinks there is no problem with her intellect and everything else. She dropped something on the floor and Daddy picked it up. Daddy felt so sad, he called Mummy to tell Mummy about it... Mummy asked Daddy if the young lady was cheerful notwithstanding and Daddy said "Yes, I'm so proud of her".

I'm really proud of her too.