Back to work

huh so fast?

I'm going back to work tomorrow. The arrangement (for now) is half-days for 2 weeks before resuming full days. My company has the most fantastic HR.

The two weeks half day is for all of us to adjust..

Joy Joy:To slowly get used to me not being around for some time each day but to let her learn that I'll be back each time.

Grandma: To slowly allow her to realize that she's losing her freedom close to absolutely but gaining the affections of a uber cute baby. And to try and work out a way to manage Joy Joy for half days first.

Me:To make it less sad for me to slowly see lesser and lesser of my baby (read: manage withdrawal symptoms). And to get used to going back to work half days at a time before i move to full days. Afterall, I haven't worked in about 5 months.

I went back home to get my work clothes today. I can fit and finally do not look so much like a zombie in them. Happy news.

Nursing Strike

I was unprepared and uninformed. Totally taken by surprise shock.

After her vaccinations consisting of 2 injections and one oral dose, the little girl went on a nursing strike which lasted (hopefully) 2 sleepless days.

She cried and cried and rejected my breast when it was time to nurse and rather we hugged her to sleep than have milk. Makes it worst that she rejected milk in a bottle as well. So basically, I my mission in life was to get her to have some milk. Any amount, in any way.

Stressful.

She wouldn't let me carry her horizontally either. Only vertically, with her head resting on my shoulder. And she wouldn't let me sit down. So it was 2 nights of walking up and down the room, not understanding what happened and getting really worried because she was intaking anything. All these on top of the usual vaccination woes.

I tried eveything my tired brain could think of to no avail, did some research on my phone and realised what it was.

It took 2 days of tight (vertical) hugs and I believe it was a combination of the vaccination + possible ear infection. She's been having a blocked nose for weeks. Since before Lunar New Year. And I informed the nurses before her vaccinations but did not know the implication.

And this is a except from the ear infection bit for the Daddy to digest:

"Keep your baby away from all tobacco smoke.

Researchers have concluded that kids whose parents smoke are more likely to get ear infections and have hearing problems.

Children living with a smoker have a 37 percent higher risk of middle ear infections and hearing problems and a 62 percent higher risk if the mom is the household smoker. Kids are also 86 percent more likely to receive surgery for their middle ear problems when their mothers smoke, compared with children who have no smokers in their household.

Even a weekend spent in a house with a smoker can significantly harm a baby and raise his chances of getting an ear infection. Tobacco smoke seems to suppress the immune system, making it more difficult for your baby to fight off infection. Don't let people smoke in your house, and keep your baby out of smoky environments."

Hello Daddy, look at this too:

Peace

It was very difficult for me to write about this, especially the last part of it. The irreconcilable differences. But it is present and I feel that one has got to be authentic. At the very least to ourselves.

There seem to be more peace in the surrender than there would be in the fight. But I am increasingly and constantly not at peace with myself.

One is enough

Before we had Joy Joy, it never occurred to me that the differences in caring for a young infant can be so great across generations. In fact, when i knew that grandma was willing to take care of Joy Joy when I returned to work, i trusted in the arrangement and was happy about it. Until I saw for myself what "take care" means to Grandma. Parents in her times simply didn't have the concept or nurturing their young, all they do is give them the basics and get by. I can't bridge this gap at the moment although Daddy doesn't seem to think that it's an issue. It can only be solved with willing communication and mutual learning. Which is totally lacking. Because of our huge egos.

We don't have the living space for one child, much less another. A child needs room to play, explore, learn and most importantly, sleep in. And a home should have space to house it's member's belongings. For example, I would like a space for Joy Joy to have a play yard without feeling like I have stepped on a land mine because it is seen as something that would clutter up the house in a household that is obsessed with cleanliness. It can only be solved when we get our new place. I am waiting eagerly for 2015 but can only hope not to be disappointed by other issues when we finally have our own place.

Most importantly, I don't think we have a good environment for a child to grow up in. I don't want my children to grow up in this environment. Always bickering. Always penny pinching. Backstabbing. Gossip mongering. Believing in old wives tales. Not understanding the joy of life other than going through each day "behaving" herself in the traditional way. Always having to find some way to convince / satisfy others about why it is right or wrong to do something and being subjected to all sorts of funny opinions, some factual, some conjured out of imagination on all sorts of things. Being forced to live in the past, down to measuring units, when the future is already here. Having opinions forced down your throat. I don't know. I feel depressed living this way. It's like my life is over. This one can't be solved.

So one beautiful baby is enough.

How rocky is the way..

I felt like this for the longest time.

I resent and feel extremely depressed about many issues which seem impossible to resolve. Still do. Nothing seems to help it.

Motherhood hasn't been a walk in the park for me but Joy Joy is the loveliest baby I've ever known.

Now I just wish she would grow up quickly and be able to walk and talk to me.

And I wish we had our own space.

And I wish for one whole day of sleep. Such a luxury.